Bon Voyage

On my way, sending my di goh or second paternal auntie to the crematorium. She’s also my godmother, as in it was officiated at the temple when I was young and the master of ceremonies described me as half a daughter. So as they lined up my cousins for the rites according to precedence of descent, and my husband and I are amongst them.

How do I describe what I learnt today and yesterday as we performed the last rites to send her on her way and to wish her a good journey ahead. I don’t know if we talk about these things.

The ceremonies are Buddhist and teochew. It was colourful and grand. She had many children who had many children.

I wasn’t very close to her because of several reasons but as he was kind. Then the few things she taught me was when my maternal grandmother passed away, and she told me not to cry and to chant prayers along the way. She also told me, when my parents were arguing (as they always usually were) not to be sad. And she also told my parents not to be quarrelsome. They had not bring me to visit her so often because they were usually quarrelling. And especially during Chinese new year. When we are supposed to be visiting each other.

Families are complicated. And relationships are personal.

Today is a very rainy day.

How do we translate 一路好走? Have a good journey. Bon voyage.

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Meditation retreat

Attended a day meditation retreat today. Feeling happy that I did it.

Took this picture for the indie studies fb and ask people to guess what’s the theme of my contemplation?

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Not enough time. Of course. It’s always about how there is not enough time.

Encountering bad vibes

Got caught unawares by somebody's bad vibes, not bad vibes, is more like a direct bite at me. For no reason. These people are like locusts or whatever the vibe is destructive, maybe they had been infected and mutilated before by others. Whatever la.

Anyway then was talking to Ratna with whom I had spoke about setting up a doc to list these responses to shit vibes.

So set it up last night and asked Hyesu to join in as well.

Then hyesu and I talked about starting a good vibe collaboration.

See the good vibe guide to life. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fyftd6vsXT8aE4NZvhhPOPOxh_Wp-DcVxKKV5wSMD6Q/edit?usp=drivesdk

Life is short

Is this my first post that I titled life is short? My godmother passed away yesterday morning around 9 am. She was 91. I wasn't really close to her but she was kind to me. And I feel the lost in my way.

One less person left in world who cares or who has good vibes to me. So I shall spend the next few days sending good vibes to her and her afterlife.

I want to do too many things. But we can surmise that by now. I really ought to focus but I also feel like it’s not in my nature.

It’s like how there are just too many books in the world to finish reading but you can’t help but keep wanting to read more books. Speaking of which, I havent finished art and experience, the last 3 chapters of. But I don't feel like finishing it anymore.

Looking back I think the week in nlb is the most enjoyable for me. Quite productive. Maybe becuase of the kind of structure I guess. And the positive vibes from each other.

Findings presentation or sharing session

actually it means the same thing but also different things

7-7:30 set up

7:30-7:40 welcome and introduction

7:40 to 8 panel or roundtable sharing

8 to 8:10 sharing by lynx

8:10 to 8:20 sharing by another person on artwork - or if non- then a self-studying exercise.

8:20 to 8:30 closing remarks / qualitative findings from a questionnaire

8:30 onwards - mingling and viewing of artworks

After party and extended discussion at the coffeeshops on waterloo street opposite iluma.

The boy who didn't boil the egg

Lynx mentioned the story about how a mother can tell apart the calligraphy that was written by the father and his son, but this story is not about that boy.

*

This is a story about another boy, whose father was a michelin chef whose speciality was to cook eggs. Once, the boy was watching his father cooked a hardboiled egg from behind, and noticed that it involved a raw egg, a pot of water, some fire, a ladle that was put into the pot, and there’s some cracking action, and then some thing that the father put into his mouth to eat. 

Several days later the boy tried to copy the father’s action but he couldn’t remember exactly the order of things to do.

So the boy put a pot of water on the fire (chef’s family encouraged young kids to experiment cooking early in life), and cracked the egg into the pot of water, then put the ladle into the pot and stirred, and then did not bring anything to boil and then showed it to the mother and the mother was like, “alright son, so what do you want me to say?” and she thought to herself maybe her poor son had unfortunately inherit the “cooking” gene from her side of the family. 

The boy asked for his father’s input. Not to completely dash the son’s hopes, but also to fuck around with him, the father tore up a hardboiled egg (that he had always carried in his pocket because he famous egg chefs and eccentric like that) and dropped it into the warm egg water. 

The boy ran to the mother, who said, okay, so this bit of powdery ball yolk thing or this white bits were made by your father right? And then the boy was amazed because, he thought like, wow, how she know siah? And he asked his mother “how could you tell, mummy?”

Then she (hid a deep sigh in her heart and remind herself that the boy was still very young) smiled encouragingly (as good mothers do) and tell him to work hard and cook smart and one day can be as good as his dad who was super at cooking egg.

So the boy thought like, wow, my mother smart siah, my father good at cooking egg siah. And then was resolved to become smart and study hard and work hard and learn how to cook properly, and became a good and famous chef eventually. 

He became good at cooking asparagus, or rather, specifically, the hollandaise sauce that goes on asparagus.

*

Now it so happens that this story traveled to a family living in the Antarctica and they were all very fascinated also because they never had eggs before and empathised with the young boy.

So they were motivated to find eggs on the internet and bought them after some trouble and then learnt how to cook them as well.

After that, they were able to understand the story at a different level.

Participants or collaborators, what's the difference?

One’s level of participation is dependent on how one defines his own role.

I thought of the people coming on board as collaborator, but an exchange with Ahdini reminded me that they may think of themselves as participants, and then again maybe neither, none, of us defined either properly and the interpretation is vague.

I thought I was pretty clear that everyone should have some sense of ownership, and discretion to affect anything and they can exercise their freewill. But in the end, I just had someone conclude with me that everyone’s a participant, and I think maybe the distinction is arbitrary and not up to me to define, but rather, up to oneself to own.

One draws ones own internal loci of control. I don’t think anything is good or bad per se, but it’ll be better for everyone to be clear that we each draw a comfortable whatever and don’t blame whatever because that’s very neg and tiresome.

I was telling somebody last week that I have a very indie garage band artist-initiated kind of vibe but I think that’s like because of my somewhat upbringing by entrepreneur parents, and then also because of growing up in the 80s, 90s, surrounded by heros like the dudes who created Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and then watching my teachers in my secondary school arranging for a bunch of us naughty girls into staging proper drama and dance production at the victoria and kallang theatre. so in uni, i had access to the Pro-audio technology and equipment and we recorded songs for people, and the band was like wanting to record like 12 or something songs and I was like, okay let’s cut an album la we have CD burners right, just do it, and then okay let’s have an outdoor music festival because the acoustics are better if it doesn’t rain. okay what. that’s what I did growing up so, let’s just put the factors together and then something can happen no problem.

my problem is, i don’t know how to ask for money. so i’m always playing around at the indie do it and move on to the next thing scale. which is find, but it just doesn’t get easier, because i have less money as time goes by. How to ask for money? so that it gets easier. get a job or hustle properly. which is what I mean about how I don’t know how to ask for money.

But I digress, my point is, i must know that not everybody grew up with with my kind of sense and the opportunities to practice drawing these loci of control. and I also learnt about loci of control at a pretty youngish age. alright.

Something to blame

Let me blame my phone which wasn’t working so well since yesterday. Let me blame that.

Let me blame the haze that puts me in a daze since everything looks blur. Let me blame that.

Let me blame the lack of sleep, although it’s because I didn’t want to sleep, let me blame that.

Let me blame the game whose name I didn’t understand, let me blame that.

And when I’m done there is no more time left. Let me blame that.

Moody

I’m moody maybe partly because i’m tired from studying everyday. Didn’t sit at the desk yesterday but went for yoga class and did something else and I thought to myself if they constitute learning. I think they do. But I dont know if it constitutes studying.

It’s a different from sitting at a desk w a book.

It’s week 4 now and I haven’t made clear the difference.

Shit talk, talk shit, talk shit talk, shit talk shit talk.

Tick tock, life is short.

Yesterday I was talking w Ratna about shit. I’m going to India at the end of this year and that reminded me of my last trip there almost 2 years ago, when we were walking in an alley.

It’s kind of like a back alley of somewhere. A restaurant. Pretty narrow pathway, maybe for two or three to walk abreast. And it was littered with shit. If “littered” is the right word to use here. Because I don’t think it’s resultant of the same action as littering other kinds of litter. Shit, shit everywhere. It was dusk and the darkening sky reminded us to turn on our torch and shine where we are walking and to side step the piles of shit. Was it dog shit, cow shit, or human shit we didn't know because all of the above being shit. It could be any and shit is shit and we won’t wanna step on them or get any of it on our bodies or shoe or whatever. So avoid, avoid, avoid, and side-step, side-step, side-step.

I could get really frustrated that the place was badly managed and why nobody clean up the shit and why is there shit all over in the first place. But. Everything shits and i’m just a tourist and who am I to change anything I don’t live there it don’t belong to me i’m just passing through I don’t want it to belong to me either no thank you.

Ratna was oh like that’s so evil. But it’s not evil, shit is shit, shit is not evil. I shit you shit we all shit. The dog and cow and us human are not evil for shitting. Shit isn't evil.

It’s just that I come from a world a culture where shitting in toilet bowls and flushing them away is the norm. And shit is dirty to me. And I don’t wanna touch it even with my shoe, and definitely not my hand or what. So that’s us. And in a way that I see it (because of my culture) it’s privileged.

So happens that i’m going to India again end of this year. That’s why I thought about India and the shit.

But the real point is this. That shit on the streets is like people's bad vibes. The talk was analogous of people vomitting their bad vibes everywhere. So in some environment, like a toxic on, there’s just bad vibes all over the place. In this situation, I dont have to do anything but to avoid, avoid, avoid and try not to get any on any part of my body. Much less to put it in my bag and bring home. Or whatever. Some times people fling shit in my direction and I gotta avoid it like the matrix keanu reeves stunt when kena fired bullets. Or like be in some kungfu movie qinggong fly away from that situation.

Don’t engage in shit flinging back cos then I will get more shit on my hand and whatever whatever aggravating the aggressor. If I get any shit just get away fast minimise further contact don’t stir don't rub just get away then and wash it off asap.

Wash where. Wash it in nature maybe. Go to a park and see some plants. Or somewhere that is quite quiet, like a museum or a library. And observe something beautiful and refreshing. Or eat some fruits, juicy and cool. Until I internalise this ability to have an internal tap or something easy. And also

Side stepping shit and bad vibes is a life skill. Be vigilant!

Postscript to shit talk: updated with ratna on this, that when others shit talk us, we should pour some zen in their direction to make them stop. people who say “why you look so happy?” just to kill your good vibe, deserves a reminder, “why not? life is short.” or at least to be called out, like “yo why you trying to kill my vibe. life is short man.”

We need to prepare some lines to put out the shit that some people spit out from their mouths man!

Not to fling any shit bad, but like, like an umbrella or a water hose to get rid of this shit spray.

“Well, to each his own.”

Tick tock, life is short.

Art writing is not art writing

Occurred to me this morning that maybe I went to art school so that I can relearn or remember or be aware of how I write.

How I write, why I write, how I do what I do blah blah blah.

Learning art is good.

Got a few nice stories from these 3 weeks. Current favourite is the nail cutter. I just cut my nails this morning too.

What if I make cutting nail my raison d'etre. Maybe i’ll be happy and settled and fulfilled.

FL VS LF extended remix

The fallen leaf on the river does not choose to go downstream.
but the little fish has some choice on which way it is going to swim.

Which one would I rather be?

What if i’m not at a river but a sea?

What if i’m not at a sea but an ocean?

Does that make any difference, or is it that it shouldn't?

I think too highly of myself

The protagonist is the outsider for not having faith, is the same as victor Frankl’s second book search for ultimate meaning what.

The ending is optimistic in its condemned way.

But it is condemned.

And in the end if I identified with the outsider then it is woe to me.

But I had asked who is the outsider.

And I am sad to realise that it has always been me.

What constitute “study”

I think at first I had a narrower idea of what is it to study.

Then I think now I am rather willing to have a more generous definition.

Studying is slightly different from learning.

But so is 读书。which is like reading book. studying and learning is more like 学习.

we’ve been through this.