I was talking with Hyesu last evening about the venue of the 4 Oct meet, and I said that i thought maybe it was a straight forward thing (i thought cca was open until 9pm on friday as google said but google is wrong and so 4 Oct friday doesn’t work for CCA which was the fall back plan… and the new fall back plan is at my place in bbb) but then I realise that when it comes down to implementing it, it’s not just about fall back plan.
I had been thinking about choices - something wrong about the choice model along the lines of what Baxandall mentioned and the approach I took on for my thesis - that phenomenological approach that runs through to the existential - as in interpreting that whatever people choose, action or inaction or whatever A or B, is an expression of their intention - and interpreting the implications and consequence of that model as factors of that conscious decision. Lynx was telling me something he disagreed about it and that he thinks it’s not a choice, for example, to continue to take the next breathe - like maybe there are some automatic functions, but I disagreed with him - I believe it’s a choice to continue breathing because the person didn’t choose to kill him/herself. I believe it’s a choice to continue living. I think Lynx didn’t read the link I had sent him in reply to his note - that entry I had written about somebody letting go.
Anyway, that’s not the point I’m trying to record today. It’s about a thought that straightened out for me yesterday. I was thinking about going back to working in DSTA to be with my ex-colleagues I had fun working with them and I enjoyed the money and I think I will still have fun working with them and I will still enjoy the money. But one thing that hold me back is because DSTA is about engineers and designers and whatever of defence technology and warfare technology and that I didn’t enjoy - that my livelihood was closely associated with that.
When I was working there at first, as in so many years ago - I didn’t consider so much - as in I didn’t consider their business on the onset and then when i realise I didn’t resign immediately either. Okay maybe my action/inaction after i recognise their business and so on, might be a reflection of my choice. But I think… actually a lot of singapore’s infrastructure and monies come from these engineering things. Someone might say, it’s not DSTA but ST but come on, we’re a small country. And what is my continuance to walk on the roads that are built from the taxes collected from these monies - does that make me hypocrite?
I’m also responding to the withdrawal of artists from the biennale when they discovered that one of the directors of the board owned or got his money from a company that produce tear gas that was used at some unrest. and that is really a huge can of worms, where all the monies from the arts come from.
So, my point my point, maybe the choice is not always an expression of intention - e.g. especially when one is ignorant of the implications and the context, in which case it is an expression of ignorance.
My “agenda” of sorts is basically to share my existential anxiety maybe - is it. Or whatever. to awaken people to share that time is running out. this, i realise is a recurrent theme. time time time and lateness. but maybe then this approach assumes that intention is superior to ignorance. Which brings me to another discussion with lynx last week at CCA. is intention and consciousness superior to ignorance?
The craving for more knowledge and awareness - it is nevertheless a craving.
I discussed this with Tan Wen yesterday. I don’t know what’s the correct answer - or rather maybe I know - that it means to be balanced, but I don’t know how to stay in the balance.
And choices and ideas change as we progress and change.
Just like how now I am hoping to settle at the stamford arts centre for the 2 hour get together. because I’m trying to make some other meaning from the one I was thinking of making before.
The leaf on the river does not choose to flow downstream.
but the fish has a bit of choice on where it is going to swim.