Life has no power steering. Or at least my life has no power steering. Some people are quite clear and disciplined on sticking to their own course, but I tend to get steered away. So it’s also ironic that I went to initiate a project like this indie studies. But it’s an exercise and training challenge for me to stick to my course.
I’ve mentioned this before, but yes I think that there is a lot of administration to do, maybe because I’m essentially the initiator and moderator of the group, even though I am avoiding the role and responsibility and getting people to step up if they want. Otherwise they will all just cruise by the month and when it’s over then it’s over, like life.
Lynx and I talked a lot yesterday, and a clear thing to record was on our “practice”. He doesn’t think that he has a clear practice, but I opined that an unclear practice is also a practice. If you want to continue to be unclear about it, then that’s okay too, but know that the clock is ticking. We spoke about our aged parents and reflecting on how at the end of their lives they might have realised too late that they have kind of messed some things up, but it’s also, well, too late, time’s up. we can’t go back in life in time to change things. well, this is the source of all these existential crisis right. Time running out.
Actually 3 hours to study is really short. Hardly got much of the book in yesterday, I don’t know why. My mind was very restless.
Lynx said I should initiate some self-introduction for the group. I think about whether or not there’s such thing as should or not, but maybe I can try so I did.
After all, Christina asked me to ask the gallery yesterday if she can bring her dog, and I tried. But Tian - my poc from CCA said no.
I asked Tian if I can take the pencils from the exhibitions, she said yes.
So okay, no harm in asking, except sometimes you ask then you know then you cannot ignore.
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I have a terrible tendency to digress and it’s like how I’m easily distracted then I will come back to my point eventually but maybe it’s a in a long round about way and I would have spent 3 hours instead of the 30 minutes if I had just went straight to the point.
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So I talked to lynx about what I had intended to study if not for indie studies as well, I’m not quite sure actually. Did I want to finish chinese art history - what for, and or about art and presentation of self and all this, yes I guess I did want to read the outsider and art and experience stuff, so it’s part of indie studies to do that.
But I also want to do my chinese art thing - for some reasons I am not quite able to articulate at the moment - then lynx said why complicate it. why do i have to have a conceptual reason for doing this media or that media or practicing this or that skill.
I don’t know. It’s just part of my process I guess. Motivated by “meaning”, “purpose”. that part of my brain didn’t get the memo that meaning got no meaning.
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But if the deal is to explore the purpose and purposelessness of such studying then maybe should just do it for whatever. Do it because of a desire to get some artworks leftover from this project.
All these ramblings here, writing so many words in so many posts so far, but my favourite one is still the fiction piece.
That’s why yesterday’s reading is actually pretty relevant. maybe the next chapter that I will read today will have some answer for me.
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So I don’t have power steering, but at least I still have a steering, and thus I must steer.